How to be a Love Diplomat
|| Love diplomats keep the common goal of the love relationship in mind at all times during negotiations. Love diplomats keep their eye on managing expectations for a successful outcome. The common goal is a shared expectation. Love diplomacy requires constant attention during negotiations to stay on course and navigate in the direction of love's true north. |
Most women ask more from their relationship than the relationship can possibly deliver. Your relationship is a place to grow personally. Every committed relationship involves at times, irritation, and frustration. How you handle frustration, how you negotiate the situation, determines whether you have what it takes to be a love diplomat.
You may be lucky in that the man in your life is very agreeable. You may have a more challenging man in your life that may always want to be right in a competitive sense or who wants prove a point with his logic. Love diplomacy is required in both types of relationships.
A love diplomat uses skill and tact in dealing with her lover. There must be trust to negotiate as a love diplomat and successful negotiations are settled by discussion and mutual agreement. Often there is a compromise to come to the mutual agreement.
There are SO MANY actions you can take to improve your marriage or long-term committed relationship to become a true love diplomat.
Here are a few:
- YOUR LOVER
Do you think of the member of the opposite sex: your husband, your boyfriend, your mate, the man who you are in a relationship with, as YOUR LOVER?
* The man in your life is YOUR LOVER so start thinking about him this way. How you think about him changes how you relate to him.
- RERUNS - TV EPISODES THAT KEEP REPEATING (Change the channel)
We all have a "movie of the mind" that replays a set of issues that may or may not be related to the present moment. Some issues become ritual fights and no one wins. Some issues may open past wounds and the hurt becomes real again. Women have much better memories for detail and the review of these details can become like daggers into a man's brain. Yes, some issues are sensitive.
* Don't drag the past into the present conversation. Focus on resolving the issue at hand.
- GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Expectations are often shaped in childhood and these are often unarticulated expectations. They are often unconscious expectations. You may have to do some investigation into your own early family life to see if your childhood memories and expectations are unassumingly being forced onto your lover by your subconscious demands. These ghosts often make your lover wrong.
* Find out what past experiences creep into your relationship and exorcise the ghosts.
- LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN
When you peel back the curtain you can see that there are symptoms as well as causes. The causes are the factors that lead to the current circumstance. Are you unconsciously seeking revenge for a past hurt? If your lover is a slob who leaves his dirty coffee cup (and other things) lying around all over the house and does not pick the cups up and you constantly ask him to pick up after himself and he does not, it will lead to irritation. You need to explain what is behind your irritation and more importantly what it does for you when he DOES pick up the coffee cups such as: feeling respected that you are responsible for your used items, feeling that her time is valued for the more important things (taking care of children, her job), feeling like you participate in the household.
* Find out what is behind the curtain, what is behind her irritation. Come up with appropriate solutions that solve the problem at hand.
- DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF
Squabbles and quarrels often start with the small stuff such as squeezing the toothpaste tube at the top, leaving coffee cups lying around, being five minutes late. Find out why it is irritating you and see if it is worth it to bring it up.
*Put it into perspective and solve the bigger issues that are really important.
Live in the present. Yes we can learn from our mistakes and learn from the past. Concentrate on the present to improve circumstances.
- USE THE WORD "NOT"
Did you know that the subconscious mind does not process the word "not." In describing a situation that is less than perfect, use a positive word with the word not. This keeps the mind focusing on the positive aspect of a situation that is not positive. Labeling using words paints the picture in the subconscious. Here are some examples of better word choices when labeling situations or feelings:
| Positive Word
|| Not Positive Counterpart Word
|| Usual Word Used |
||Not Relaxed, Not Calm
- CREATE TWICE
Thoughts, words and actions are part of deliberate creation. Everything is created at least twice, thoughts into words, and thoughts into action. Words are overrated if there is no action behind the words. Actions or deeds without words can have multiple interpretations and words may be necessary to describe the action in the best possible light.
* Express love by transforming your thoughts into positive words and actions.
- POINTING WITH WORDS
Do you blame your lover when there is a problem? Do you make the person wrong? If there is a mistake do you discuss how it affected the situation or do you say "You made a mistake" and make them wrong. Words are like a finger pointed and shaking at you "YOU are wrong."
* Talk in terms of the situation not the person.
- DATE NOW
When you were dating you put a lot of consideration into what you were doing, where you were going in order to impress your date. Do not take your lover for granted. Treat them the way they wanted to be treated in a special way. Don't let the logistics of life get in the way of your love.
* "Date" now like you just met your lover.
- HAPPY ENVIRONMENT
Create atmosphere in the space your share together. Remove clutter, add fresh flowers, play nice music, greet your lover at the door with a big smile, prepare food delicious love, consciously be charming and in a good mood, think positive thoughts, strive to be happy.
* Your attitude and the actions your take in your environment create the atmosphere.
- PAY ATTENTION
Ask for time to share together for fun together. Make time with undivided attention to discuss matters of importance, concerns, or issues. Remove distractions and focus on your lover and truly listen. Listen openly. Remove the need to lecture and criticize when making a point.
* Set aside time to talk and listen openly and honestly.
- LISTEN ACTIVELY
DO: Listen for feeling. Pay attention to nonverbal body language. Let your lover know that you are listening. Ask for specific examples for deeper clarification. Give feedback by repeating in your words to verify your understanding. Create a common definition. Build capacity for input by listening wisely.
DO NOT: Unless asked, refrain from giving advice. Do Not interrupt. Do Not make judgments. Do Not assume your lover's definitions are the same as yours. Do Not jump to conclusions. Do Not interrupt the facts by putting meaning on it and coming to a conclusion without input from your lover.
* Use the tips for listening and talking (see separate note below)
- COMMON GOAL
Clarify the common goal of your relationship and how your see being happy together. Change your approach or your communication style to stay on the path. What your common goal may be in your 20's will probably differ than that of your 60's. Understand your direction in life and what is important to you in keeping your relationship moving forward towards the common goal. Common goal examples (just a few) that are part of your relationship design:
- Family Mate with a focus on being parents, children, and a family orientation.
- Empowerment by helping fulfill a personal dream or a mission. Lovers empower their mates by supporting the other accomplish their personal goals or dreams (i.e. career) or their combined goals and dreams (i.e. joint business).
- Partnership with a "DO WITH" legacy goal for the community or world. Changing the world and leaving the world a better place.
- Companionship with mainly "DO WITH" activities. Being together in same activities, common interests, similar adventures and hobbies.
- Expansion by being compelled to grow, expand and cause maximum personal growth. Lovers push each other to expand their physical, emotional, mental, conceptual or spiritual worlds.
* Understand how your lover sees the common goal and how they express striving towards the common goal together.
- WATCH YOUR REACTION
Sometimes your lover insults or criticizes you. Try to NOT REACT and just ignore it which will probably eliminate a fight. Focus on the long term and the short term reaction. At another time, if necessary, describe the hurt you felt when criticized from the point of understanding and helping them see your point of view.
* Restrict from reacting immediately and see if you can let it go.
Be the first to give to the other. Human nature is to reciprocate however not always immediately.
* Focusing on giving to your lover in positive ways and to provide pleasure.
- CHEERING COMMITTEE
Recognize your lover in big and small ways. Cheer your lover's accomplishments. Respect your lovers need for public or private praise. Focus on supporting, appreciating, admiring, and showing concern for your lover's well-being.
* Lift your lover up and you get a boost, too!
- LIFE IS AN INVITATION
Treat your lover like royalty. In the morning bring brightness into your lover's life (be the equivalent to human caffeine) by saying good morning and greeting your lover with a cheerful attitude. Remember common courtesies such as please and thank you. The attitude you start your day with and how you treat your lover lingers and will influence them and draw them back to you at the end of the day.
* Keep inviting you lover into your life with a happy, content disposition that your lover desires.
- MENTAL YOGA
Yoga expands the body's ability to be flexible and stretch. Be flexible when making decisions that affect your lover and be willing to compromise. Be willing to do something that is not your first preference if it makes your lover happy. Flexibility is a two way street: You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
* Be considerate of what you ask your lover to do for you and consider that what you ask for may be a sacrifice or what may require extreme flexibility that a "no" response is acceptable.
- IDEAL EXPECTATIONS
We all have an "ideal" for the perfect lover. Often these ideal expectations are unarticulated and you hold unconscious standards that lurk in your subconscious. Have you sat down and written out what you expect from your lover? We are human and whole with "holes." We strive for perfection and yet we are not there yet. Realize if you are comparing your lover to your father, your last boyfriend, or some character in a movie. Look at the positive qualities and virtues of your lover and focus on the good characteristics.
* Make a long list of your expectations of your lover. Cross off those that are unrealistic or truly not that important in terms of a long, happy relationships.
A love diplomat is skilled in the art of negotiating. Diplomacy uses tact to find mutually acceptable solutions to a common challenge. Using language that phrasing of statements in a non-confrontational, polite manner is a key to successful negotiation. Women have exceptionally developed language skills and can easily become great negotiators to make sure everyone's needs are being met.
Be clear what your demands are before negotiating. Before negotiating, understand your emotional state. Some emotions have great effect on your lover such as anger, pride, guilt, regret, and worry.
- Anger may cause your lover to concede more just to get away from the angry situation.
- Guilt or feelings of regret expressed may create relief and put one person in a position to place higher demands as a sort of pay back or peace offering.
- Pride and feelings of confidence in your well- thought out demand may lead to compromise.
- Worry or disappointment may lead to compassion and more cooperation.
Do not use emotion to manipulate the situation. Are you coming from an honest place to start your negotiation?
* The advantage to negotiating with your lover is that you both win.
- IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET
Focus on projecting a positive future. Yes, analyze the pros and cons (promote and contra/against) of a situation and then focus on the Pros (promote advantage). Do not put time or energy into the "cons." Stop feeling bad about what has not happened yet (and probably won't). Stop worrying. Yes, be prudent and sensible. It is where your mindset in the situation that matters so you can begin to think about promoting advantages. Stop triggering your own anxiety by negative fortune- telling by making dire predictions without evidence and making assumptions and reading minds. Worry is one of the most selfish things you can do and it does not serve anyone in the relationship.
* Focus on the pros and the positive and things will probably be okay.
Tips to Help A Man Listen Better
Women are the great talkers of the world and woman usually understand each other very clearly. Men's brains are wired differently and it would really be a kind gesture to give them the tools that they need to listen better to women. Here is what you can do and it may take several tries to remember to do this automatically. Print out this page and circle this section to review with your lover.
Usually a sports analogy, men are great athletes when they have the right equipment to play with. So if a woman throws a baseball, the man will need a baseball mitt. If a woman throws a Frisbee and the man is trying to catch the Frisbee with a baseball mitt it will be much harder for the man catch the Frisbee.
With this in mind, men need help listening. A woman can help by giving him the ADVANCE NOTICE of the type of information he needs to be listening for. Equip him to hear you properly. This will require preparation and thought before speaking just like athletes need put on the right gear before playing the game.
Tips for Talking: I WILL MAKE A CLARIFYING STATEMENT BEFORE TALKING
The goal is so the man can listen the right way and listen so you feel heard as a woman.
A woman says to a man:
"I know you want to listen to me and I've read that I can help you be clarifying the type of conversation I am about to have with you. I learned that men process information differently. I learned that there are basically three types of conversations that women have with men. I learned that most of the time it is not clear to a man what the main categories of conversation are and that can be frustrating for a man."
I learned that the three main categories of a conversation between a woman and a man are:
Category of conversation:
- STORY: "Situation report/news or story" conversation
- REMEMBER or DO: Something you need to remember or something woman wants man to do (now or in the future)
- PROBLEM: A problem that needs to be solved or listened to (and NOT solved - this is actually the fourth category)
I also learned that men usually listen for PROBLEM #3. Men listen to a conversation then deconstruct it find the issue and create a solution.
So from this point on, I promise that I will start my conversation with one of the four clarifying statements so you can "catch" the conversation better.
Before I start the conversation I will let you know if:
- I am sharing my news or stories with you and I just want you to listen and nod.
- There is something I need you to remember or some action I want you to take. I will also repeat the specific details of what I want you to remember of do after I describe the situation.
- There is an issue I need your help with; meaning I need you to help solve a problem
or just listen to me and NOT solve the problem (this can be very confusing for a man to just listen and not solve the problem).
If I forget to make a clarifying statement first, you have my consent to ask me to stop and please clarify which one of the four ways I would like you to listen to me.
Love Success Series: Just Listen Seminar on 4 Ways to Listen - Simple Communication Tips (Audio)
Have you heard of Lovematism?
The bond that encompasses the four aspects of love is called LOVEMATISM. See more at www.Lovematism.com. Lovematism is the enduring bond connection encompassing the emotional rhythm of two hearts beating as one, sexual magnetism of the body, mental hypnotism of the minds, and spiritual mysticism of the soul.
© 2008-10 Sherrie Rose Love Success Series Academy of Love Linguistics. All Rights Reserved.
Sherrie Rose, Love Linguist and Author of the book 7 Ways to Fill Her Love Bucket! www.HerLoveBucket.com
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